When I was little, I had a lot of toys.
I didn’t have any friends, but I had toys.
That was enough for me.
 
It had to be...

After the

ritual burial

that was the album

ISLAND OF THE DEAD

, I climbed up to the attic and got reacquainted with some of my old childhood toys. Those that mother hadn’t thrown away or sold. Most of it was gone now, though, and of the few things that were still there, I decided to mainly keep the toys that I used to

hate

.
 
This may seem like a odd choice to some, but I do not have, what people like to call “happy childhood memories”. So none of it had any sentimental value, anyway. It therefore made way more sense to me, to only hold on (at least for a while) to the few toys that still “spoke” to me ... - for whatever reason. Most of it is

symbolic

.
 
The idea was to sort of

rewrite

their story, change the “plot” (if you know what I mean). And, as an unexpected side-effect, it also awakened a new affection in me for toys in general and many of the so- called “useless” (but pretty) things. I like that.  :)

It’s NEVER too late
to have a happy childhood.

So, here (in no particular order) is a

small

selection of some of the more of less interesting things that I decided to keep...

This was by far my favourite “toy”: my wonderful Telefunken turntable, which - miraculously - still works. I spent hours upon hours sitting on the floor, listening to records. Sometimes music, but mostly fairytales (which often had music), audioplays (which also had music), and even old Disney stuff (which definitely had music) that came in gatefold covers with large booklets inside. Beautiful.
 

I had quite a few records, but they are all gone. Mother got rid of them.

Well, I make my

own

records now. :)

It’s NEVER too late
to have a happy childhood.

I don’t know where this one initially came from, because it had

always

been there, hanging from the wall beside my bed. It may or may not have been made by or passed down from my (great) grandfather or granduncle. I hated this thing so much, because this was (and still is) exactly how I viewed humans. I never played with it (other than pulling the string a few times, to see what it does ... - and it was disappointing). There was also the chance that one of the strings in the back might snap, and that would have meant punishment. So, why even bother.
 
Jumping Jacks are generally a rather stupid kind of toy, and this one is a particularly ugly fucker on top of it. I only kept it as a reminder of what the human nature is like.

I never liked boardgames, because I just couldn’t see the point of them. I was also appalled by the cut- throat competitive way in which they were usually played. The worst one of all was that dull and hateful "classic" of family games (a derivative of the ancient Pachisi), with its passive-aggressive German title (essentially translating to “Man, don’t be upset”), which banked on people’s spiteful enjoyment of beating others at something.
 
The only boardgame I occasionally liked to play by

myself

was called

SNAKES & LADDERS

. I didn’t really understand it, though. I mean, yes, I understood the rules, but ... again ... I just couldn’t see the point of it. I was more fascinated by that big, black snake, which “lay in wait” two fields before the goal, and which would drag the player almost all the way back to the start field.
 
It was obvious to me that the game was supposed to be a metaphor of life, and each time I made it to the end, I couldn’t help wondering: OK, NOW WHAT?!? I mean, you go through all this trouble, and when you finally reach the end, there is NOTHING. So what was the point? And since there is nothing waiting at the end, why would you want to get there as quickly as possible anyway? And WHY are all the snakes considered to be a bad thing???

Shouldn't the big, black snake

actually be your best friend???

 
At least, that’s how I saw it when I was little. I

liked

sliding down the snakes. And I liked the idea that all the other players had made it to the goal (and disappeared), while I was still playing, with the board (read

world

) all to myself.
 
Anyway, I took all that and, once again, changed it into something

QUEER

and

fabulous

. (I will show you next year or so).

I actually

bought

this cardgame second hand, as a reminder. The version I used to have was a different set of cards, with Black Peter being a blond chimney sweep boy. I HATED this game so much as a child, the entire disgusting concept of it, and I only ever played it twice, with mother ... which made it worse, as she was very spiteful about it and always pointed out, how much that titular character reminded her of me.
 
I re-purchased this game, because I decided to

change the rules

,

turn them upside-down and make it into something

QUEER

and wonderful instead. Now the player, who ends up with the solitary Black Peter card, is the

WINNER

. -- Hail Satan, kids!

These two "climbing" blocks are what is left of the toy. The rotating, wooden ladder is gone. That’s OK, though, because the ladder was really just the setting, the

actual

(secret) story was with the boys. I look at the chubby one and his skinny friend today, and I still think:

“YESSS!”

 
(... and that’s all I am going to say.)

When I was little, there was NOT A SINGLE doubt in my mind that this wooden thing here was supposed to be a

tree

. Today, however, I am not

entirely

sure anymore ...

I actually

liked

this game. I still do. Not so much the concept of it, but this particular edition. The colourful photos were just so beautiful and ... “simple” (for lack of a better word) ... and the pairs were

identical

cards (as in two cards with the same image). It was therefore a beautifully

neutral

edition, without any hateful, hetero-normative ideology attached to it. I really liked it.
 
There was no way I could make this game any better, so, instead, I decided to create a

heartbreakingly

sad

version of it. Basically a SOPOR edition. Maybe I will show you one day.

I always felt an undeniable attraction to this hand-puppet as a child. Unfortunately, it also used to remind me of my nasty grandfather for some reason, which is why I never actually played with it.
 
The puppet is rather sexy, though, and

definitely

gay

(or at least VERY bi-curious), which is why I am keeping him.

I hated this game, because I couldn’t see the fun in forcing someone into a barrel and then torturing him even further by ramming swords/daggers into it. It’s just atrocious and cruel. (The moronic evil faces of the kids on the box alone...)
 
Anyway, I decided to keep this toy for two reasons: again, as a reminder of the human nature ... but mainly because this half-naked, sexy pirate is

clearly

gay

.